The weight of thought can be overwhelming, to a point of self-destruction. Grief can result in confusing, desperate isolation, an inability to see light streaming through cobwebs. I find that grief rushes in, then fades away, and this roller coaster recurs many times throughout the day.
How can we sift through heavy layers? How can we think of rebuilding? Where will we go? We're still paying mortgage for a non-house. We have to pull down dead trees, remove debris, check the well, and think about a design? Trivial things add weight, too. We need to clean up the dog poop around our borrowed home, but we don't have a shovel yet. I had to buy Saran Wrap for the first time in my life because we don't have a drawer filled with recycled plastic bags. My drill press is stuck in Wenatchee because there's no home for FedEx to deliver it to. A change of address takes 3 business days to process...you mean we have to drive 2.5 hours to pick up my package?
I am self-consumed. I only hear the first part of most conversations, and then my mind drifts off again.
Can someone give me a magic wand?
My cousin just underwent brain surgery and will soon begin chemotherapy. Robin Williams committed suicide. Several more homes down-valley were lost in last night's flash flood. Gunmen shot and killed 65 people and injured 17 others in a Sunni Muslim mosque. A friend's daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and is now undergoing chemotherapy. BKS Iyengar died. Protests in Ferguson - tear gas deployed, bottles flying, bullets flying. Wait - what's going on in Ukraine?
If it were me - if my tire went flat, sparked, ignited a wild fire that burned 10 homes flat and displaced families, I might contemplate suicide. To the person who did this: PLEASE do not blame yourself. We forgive you. Shit happens. But if you get the chance, go ahead and make a donation to Room One.
And here's me: finding my breath. Searching for heart rocks.
Join me this very moment. Look up from what you're doing. Take a breath. Give someone a hug. Cherish what you do have. Pay attention. We were given this life for a reason.